This week in Sorcerer School we’re working with finding faith. And so inevitably, as Sorcerer School has had a way of doing with me over the last year and a half that I’ve been facilitating it, my own awareness of the topic has been tested.
Because what would something called Sorcerer School be if its leader weren’t truly walking their talk? We certainly can’t have a Sorceress trying to create a hierarchy, when leading from Source means anything but.
And so almost every week, I’m taken deeper into practicing what I preach and living my work.
A month ago, things inside of the MDS world began to expand — almost more quickly than we could handle. People flooded in from the woodworks, each person clear that the work of MDS and Sorcerer School was what they have been asking for, for some time now.
There was a huge sense of “Finally!!” with the droves of people asking for my time, and there was an equal sense of “Finally!” on my end as I watched the magic inside of MDS unfold in the way I had envisioned.
And then it all halted.
While at a conference, my boundaries were being shaken and I received some mixed messages from Source that, for the first time in a very long time, left me feeling like I wasn’t absolutely clear on where I was being guided or what was being requested of me.
I took some time to pause with the mixed messages and work through what was creating them, and then had to go back to the all-consuming commitments I had been guided to say yes to, despite my usual boundaries.
In addition to that, some personal things hit as well, and eventually I crumbled under the weight of it all. My body gave in, I got sick for the first time in a long time, and the world began to look gray.
It was like my ability to stay present first and foremost to the magic (even when surrounded by circumstances that looked far from magical) had flipped — and what I saw were gray clouds covering up the magic that I still consciously knew existed but could no longer feel.
Over the last week I’ve been in and out. Up and down. Putting on my waders and mucking through the mixed messages from Source. Weaving in and out of cleansing, clearing and more magic, and frustration, doubts, and a lack of faith I haven’t felt in quite some time.
Thankfully, all of this internal work has me well honed to let myself go there. I didn’t push away my resentment or anger toward Source. I didn’t try to pretend the messages weren’t confusing when they were, nor did I try to overanalyze them. I stayed true to my feelings, I flowed the anger and resentment, and I allowed the wavering of faith to happen when it needed to.
Today, as I allowed the gentle rock in the wavering of faith to continue, I chose not to hide it. I let it out into the open during our weekly team meeting, finding that in allowing myself to question my faith openly, what came through me was a new restoration of the peace I’d been seeking.
I closed the team meeting to get onto another call, which subsequently opened up more questioning, bringing me to yet another breakdown leading to a breakthrough.
Each time, I allowed myself to go down the rabbit holes fueled by lack of faith, unattached to what I would find. And each time, I came out with new clarity that actually restored my faith, piece by piece.
And as the clarity grew, I received my first ever apology from Source. Yes. Apology. And here’s what I’m now getting, dear human. A message for you. A message for humanity.
We are living in epic times. Times of change. Times of a great catalyst of growth. Times where we are all being called to step up in ways that express our true power as humans, that trump the illusion of anything but love in ways our protective psyches still cannot fully fathom.
So who is to say God isn’t still figuring this out along with us? Yes, Source is everything. But where there is everything, there is also nothing. We’re living this experience as humans, on a planet where duality is an automatic and already existing part of the experience we came here for.
So yes, we can allow ourselves to surrender fully into the truth that all there is is love, and that in that, and in the guidance of the love, we will be completely and utterly led to where we are going.
And yet, we chose to do this in a place where the illusions exist, too. So can we allow for the illusion of duality to also guide us? Can we allow for the illusion of time to also guide us?
Because what I am now hearing, loud and clear, is that although on some level everything you know you’re here to become and everything you know you’re here to create has already happened, in the existence of duality in this experience, Source is still figuring out aspects of navigating where we’re going in this very present moment of the journey.
And as I soaked in the bath tonight, this is what came through —
We are all in this together, dear ones. This is a ride I haven’t been on yet, either. Stay true to me, yes. Trust in me, yes. But please allow me to figure this out along with you.
I am guiding you to create your business from a space that’s closer to me than humans have gone before. You, and your tribe that is being called to do the same, are all the predecessors of a wave of humans ready and able to know themselves as me. This is going to take some time, some trial and error.
You’ve known for some time that surrender and choice are corresponding co-creative elements of this journey. So now, as you surrender, and as you choose, allow yourself to waver between the two to find your most magical balance of both.
This path you walk isn’t just you choosing to know yourself as me. It’s you choosing to learn to walk a new walk, dance a new dance that will change the world.
Don’t expect to learn to dance overnight. And don’t expect me to learn how to teach you to dance overnight when I’m still figuring out the moves myself.
You can trust me. You know this. Because I am all that is. And I am you. And I will ensure that this journey is everything you have chosen for it to be; everything I have guided you to choose it to be.
But for those times when you lose your faith, I get it. Allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to experience the anger, and then forgive me through the very flow of the feeling itself. Because, as you know, feeling heals everything.
So no, my dear, I haven’t dropped you. I haven’t intended to send you mixed signals. I haven’t intended to make you wait quite this long or work quite this hard.
I have intended what you have intended. And we are in this together.